As I approach the age of 40, a lot of things come to my mind. At 19 I had my daughter. I went from high school to being a mom. My daughter is now in college. A few months ago, I changed my career/job drastically. I went from healthcare for a period of 13 years to a simple tax secretary at a locally owned family tax preparation office. Most days I find my self wandering around in my head where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life. Aren't most people still raising young children? Or in the middle of this amazing career that they spent years studying for and climbing up the corporate ladder?
Recently, losing my stepfather at the young age of 61 I wonder, what have I done with myself or for myself that shows my identity. In high school I was (insert name here)'s boyfriend. After that I was Anna's mom, then ..............................................blank...I am April? Who's April?
Well, this is what I have so far:
My bucket list consists of 2 items, own a Harley, and open my own business.
What I REALLY have is faith in God. An amazing husband, a beautiful daughter and a mother that has walked right beside every step of my life. Even the ugly ones.
I suppose this is 'my' decade, goodness knows I wouldn't want to relive any other one. I get one shot right? That's the most troubling part, how do I start? Where do I go? What do I do? How do I get to know myself? And is it really and truly relevant that I know who I am, if I am to live a Godly life? And give myself fully to Him?
On another note, I have to admit I'm slightly jealous that my first best friend/cousin is only a couple months older than me and has found himself. He knows exactly who he is. He has a confidence that exudes from just the way he interacts with others. He's an amazing man. We are approaching this milestone together, yet worlds apart. I can only hope to find a world of my own soon. But until then, Michael, I love you so much my heart squooshes. I miss you and I'm so happy that I get to follow your love of who you are and embrace all of your tenderness, kindness, hospitality and even accept your own faults. I learn more and more from you every day. You will always be my very bestest friend. I just am super lucky that we share the same blood.
Friday, February 27, 2015
Tuesday, February 17, 2015
Tuesdays.....
Never was a fan of Tuesdays. People always asked me why....well...
Monday---its a great opportunity to have a new week, a better week, a better weekend, think of it like a new years day? right?
Wed--You are half way there, to the weekend. Hopefully the better week has happened. Maybe you have something to look forward to on Wednesdays'....a club, bible study, visit with family.
Thurs--well, we all know that Thursday is the day that big things happen. you have to end the week with a big mark. So you push yourself, knowing that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you did nothing to change a life, change your life, or make a difference. Thursday is your chance.
Friday....IT'S FRIDAY!!! which is great if you are a Mon-Fri worker, but all the action is on Friday and Saturday, Friends, Family, Church, naps, extra time.
What's Tuesday? Just an extra 24 hours stuck in the front of the week, that you should have used to do something productive, but did you? NOPE!!
Keith died on a Tuesday. I will probably never be productive in the sense that 'productive' means, but I will always grieve his loss more on a Tuesday.
Monday---its a great opportunity to have a new week, a better week, a better weekend, think of it like a new years day? right?
Wed--You are half way there, to the weekend. Hopefully the better week has happened. Maybe you have something to look forward to on Wednesdays'....a club, bible study, visit with family.
Thurs--well, we all know that Thursday is the day that big things happen. you have to end the week with a big mark. So you push yourself, knowing that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you did nothing to change a life, change your life, or make a difference. Thursday is your chance.
Friday....IT'S FRIDAY!!! which is great if you are a Mon-Fri worker, but all the action is on Friday and Saturday, Friends, Family, Church, naps, extra time.
What's Tuesday? Just an extra 24 hours stuck in the front of the week, that you should have used to do something productive, but did you? NOPE!!
Keith died on a Tuesday. I will probably never be productive in the sense that 'productive' means, but I will always grieve his loss more on a Tuesday.
Friday, February 13, 2015
Lyrics of a lifetime
When paradise is no longer fit for you to live in
And your adolescent dreams are gone
Through the days you feel a little used up
And you don't know where your energy's gone wrong
It's just your soul feelin' a little downhearted
Sometimes life is too ridiculous to live
You count your friends all on one finger
I know it sounds crazy just the way that we live
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'
When this cardboard town can no longer amuse you
You see through everything and nothin' seems worthwhile
And hypocrite used to be such a big word to you
And it don't seem to mean anything to you now
Just try to live each and every precious moment
Don't be discouraged by the future forget the past
That's old advise but it'll be good to you
I know there's a balance see it when I swing past
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'
"Between a Laugh and a Tear"--John Mellencamp
This song best describes every moment in our lives at one time or another. Now I'm not the biggest Mellencamp fan, that would be my husband's influence. However, Mr. Mellencamp does have some great lyrics, about life. Personally, I'm a Dave Matthews kinda girl, but there's just too many songs that I love. But not a ton of lyrics that speak about life, maybe me personally. But not LIFE.
I was introduced to music by my stepdad, Keith. Buffalo Springfield "For What It's Worth" was the first song he made me listen to. Then explained what it was about and said, 'I want this played at my funeral.' We did. Then there was some Dan Fogelberg, Cat Stevens (meh), James Taylor. The list goes on and on. My husband really got me into music, but mostly now it is about the lyrics. Do the words mean anything? Or is it just a little "Mr. Brownstone"-GNR?
Kevin (my husband) taught me that the worst looking musicians are the best writers. Look at Steve Earle? Love his lyrics, not a fan of the music, but I love what he writes about. Bruce Springstein? I'd love to ask him about some of his songs. How about The Who? U-G-L-Y...but, Kevin says they are awesome, I could do without. Do you like a little U2? Did you know a lot of their songs have some type of Christian reference? (Where the streets have no name?). By the way, he also thinks that Prince is the most underrated guitar player EVER!!!!
Everyone has a song, a lyric and usually those change as life goes on, but since the first day my husband played his guitar and sang Between a Laugh and a Tear, it fits every second of my life.
And your adolescent dreams are gone
Through the days you feel a little used up
And you don't know where your energy's gone wrong
It's just your soul feelin' a little downhearted
Sometimes life is too ridiculous to live
You count your friends all on one finger
I know it sounds crazy just the way that we live
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'
When this cardboard town can no longer amuse you
You see through everything and nothin' seems worthwhile
And hypocrite used to be such a big word to you
And it don't seem to mean anything to you now
Just try to live each and every precious moment
Don't be discouraged by the future forget the past
That's old advise but it'll be good to you
I know there's a balance see it when I swing past
Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'
"Between a Laugh and a Tear"--John Mellencamp
This song best describes every moment in our lives at one time or another. Now I'm not the biggest Mellencamp fan, that would be my husband's influence. However, Mr. Mellencamp does have some great lyrics, about life. Personally, I'm a Dave Matthews kinda girl, but there's just too many songs that I love. But not a ton of lyrics that speak about life, maybe me personally. But not LIFE.
I was introduced to music by my stepdad, Keith. Buffalo Springfield "For What It's Worth" was the first song he made me listen to. Then explained what it was about and said, 'I want this played at my funeral.' We did. Then there was some Dan Fogelberg, Cat Stevens (meh), James Taylor. The list goes on and on. My husband really got me into music, but mostly now it is about the lyrics. Do the words mean anything? Or is it just a little "Mr. Brownstone"-GNR?
Kevin (my husband) taught me that the worst looking musicians are the best writers. Look at Steve Earle? Love his lyrics, not a fan of the music, but I love what he writes about. Bruce Springstein? I'd love to ask him about some of his songs. How about The Who? U-G-L-Y...but, Kevin says they are awesome, I could do without. Do you like a little U2? Did you know a lot of their songs have some type of Christian reference? (Where the streets have no name?). By the way, he also thinks that Prince is the most underrated guitar player EVER!!!!
Everyone has a song, a lyric and usually those change as life goes on, but since the first day my husband played his guitar and sang Between a Laugh and a Tear, it fits every second of my life.
Friday, February 6, 2015
Choices vs. Consequences--Part 1
I'm going to share a story with you.
There was this girl, and on her 21st birthday all her friends took her camping. This will be so much fun everyone said. Her boyfriend said we can get some liquor and a couple joints, get high around the fire. Okay, this really wasn't much different than most nights except they went camping.
Here's the scene: 3 couples, all early 20's. One says to the girl, "I got you something special for your birthday." She asks what. Cocaine he says, 'you're gonna love it!" She said, "not interested really, not my thing."
"Have you ever tried it?"
"No"
"How do you know?"
"Just not interested, can't we just smoke a joint?"
"Sure after we do this line."
Then everyone else is chiming in:
"you'll love it." "it's great."
"You can't get addicted with one line!"
"come on, come on"
"Chicken!!-It's your birthday."
Peer pressure won, she liked it. It was a good time. It was a HER choice to give in to the peer pressure. A CHOICE.
Fast forward 20 years later: She's clean, has a good kid, great life, good job, husband, etc. But needs a quick $400 for her hobby. Her daughter says, "Come on, come with me we will donate plasma together!!! It's safe and you'll have your money in 5 weeks. And its for a good cause"
"Hmmmmm...never thought of that. Definitely easier than getting another job. Ok, she said."
At the plasma center it's not like you just walk in and donate blood, it's much, much more intricate. You have to watch videos, answer a bunch of questions, go through a short physical, make sure your heart rate is good, protein and iron are all good numbers.
During the question session, you are asked a series of questions similar to donating, however, one question stopped her "Have you ever snorted cocaine up your nose?"
This is the scenario in her head (20 yrs ago? who's gonna know? does it matter? do I care?) Then came the judgement-(look at all these people here...just to get a fix, why should she answer yes?)
The CHOICE was hers. She answered Yes. A CHOICE!
Get through the heart rate, blood pressure check, daughter cheering her on, go in for the physical and the nurse says....'oh no, honey, I'm so sorry. We've all done it.'
She quietly asks "it's because I answered yes to the cocaine question, isn't it?'
Nurse, "Yes, but it's ok, we really have all tried it, it's ok. I can see that you are cleaned up, I know your daughter. It happens, peer pressure.--But I'm sorry you cannot donate."
There I sit, in my work clothes that represent where I work, my 19 year old daughter in line behind the door waiting, cheering me on. Excited that I'm going to get a new sewing machine. And I'm crying like a 2 year old, ashamed by my choices, but understanding the consequences.
Leaving quickly, so as to not be seen, my daughter asks what is wrong and I just say that we will talk when she gets home. I love you Anna. Love you too Mom. It'll be ok.
No matter what, there's always a choice, and for every choice somewhere down that line there will be a consequence.
Think about the next thing you do, and decide how the CHOICE might effect YOUR CONSEQUENCES later in life.
There was this girl, and on her 21st birthday all her friends took her camping. This will be so much fun everyone said. Her boyfriend said we can get some liquor and a couple joints, get high around the fire. Okay, this really wasn't much different than most nights except they went camping.
Here's the scene: 3 couples, all early 20's. One says to the girl, "I got you something special for your birthday." She asks what. Cocaine he says, 'you're gonna love it!" She said, "not interested really, not my thing."
"Have you ever tried it?"
"No"
"How do you know?"
"Just not interested, can't we just smoke a joint?"
"Sure after we do this line."
Then everyone else is chiming in:
"you'll love it." "it's great."
"You can't get addicted with one line!"
"come on, come on"
"Chicken!!-It's your birthday."
Peer pressure won, she liked it. It was a good time. It was a HER choice to give in to the peer pressure. A CHOICE.
Fast forward 20 years later: She's clean, has a good kid, great life, good job, husband, etc. But needs a quick $400 for her hobby. Her daughter says, "Come on, come with me we will donate plasma together!!! It's safe and you'll have your money in 5 weeks. And its for a good cause"
"Hmmmmm...never thought of that. Definitely easier than getting another job. Ok, she said."
At the plasma center it's not like you just walk in and donate blood, it's much, much more intricate. You have to watch videos, answer a bunch of questions, go through a short physical, make sure your heart rate is good, protein and iron are all good numbers.
During the question session, you are asked a series of questions similar to donating, however, one question stopped her "Have you ever snorted cocaine up your nose?"
This is the scenario in her head (20 yrs ago? who's gonna know? does it matter? do I care?) Then came the judgement-(look at all these people here...just to get a fix, why should she answer yes?)
The CHOICE was hers. She answered Yes. A CHOICE!
Get through the heart rate, blood pressure check, daughter cheering her on, go in for the physical and the nurse says....'oh no, honey, I'm so sorry. We've all done it.'
She quietly asks "it's because I answered yes to the cocaine question, isn't it?'
Nurse, "Yes, but it's ok, we really have all tried it, it's ok. I can see that you are cleaned up, I know your daughter. It happens, peer pressure.--But I'm sorry you cannot donate."
There I sit, in my work clothes that represent where I work, my 19 year old daughter in line behind the door waiting, cheering me on. Excited that I'm going to get a new sewing machine. And I'm crying like a 2 year old, ashamed by my choices, but understanding the consequences.
Leaving quickly, so as to not be seen, my daughter asks what is wrong and I just say that we will talk when she gets home. I love you Anna. Love you too Mom. It'll be ok.
No matter what, there's always a choice, and for every choice somewhere down that line there will be a consequence.
Think about the next thing you do, and decide how the CHOICE might effect YOUR CONSEQUENCES later in life.
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