Choices vs. consequences--Part 2

There is again...
Choices vs. Consequences.
This targets our children mostly.  Something that I have pounded into Anna's brain more than any other message is that...
"To make good choices."
EVERY choice has a consequence, whether that will effect you or another person, is something you have to think about how that choice comes to fruition.


Here's a good story that proves choices vs. consequences:
We started Anna with a prepaid cell, 6th grade maybe.  For emergencies only.  To call family, in case of emergency.  With this phone came one rule.  I get to see the phone anytime I want.  Year and a half later, another phone upgrade, not a great phone, but she can call her friends, still prepaid, have to be on the same network.  Same rule applies, I ask for the phone, you hand it over.  No foul language, etc.
Freshman year...nice phone, unlimited text, NO DATA, but yes, we are now at texting level.  See she knew from the beginning what the rules were, so we went over it again, but now I gave her the consequence of a bad choice.  I ask for the phone and you hand it over. If I read something I disagree with, I will literally smash the phone with a hammer and she will not get another.   I read whenever I want, I call whoever I want.  My phone, I'm paying the bill.  Never had any problems.  One evening she walked by me texting and I said, gimme.  She handed it right over, as if nothing...WOW.  Bad words, very bad words, lots of them.  The last person she had talked to I told them that her mother had her phone and that Anna would not have a cell phone indefinitely.  The consequence was I walked outside to the garage with that phone and got a hammer.  Flattened that phone.  The more I hit it the more upset I got, because I wanted it to become little pieces.  Cell phones don't do that....they just flatten out.  Finally, my Kevin made me stop (yes, he was laughing).
I took the phone in the house, put it in a ziplock bag and threw it at her and said, "now try to text that language."


When summer came around she asked when she was getting a phone...we did not have a landline anymore.  Why, I asked?  "I'd like to talk to my friends."  So, I got a pad of paper, some envelopes, and stamps and said here ya go.


It was over a year before she got another phone, but I'm pretty sure I made a point.  I still pay her bill, but she is in college and there are more strings that have to be cut from my heart daily.  At 20, she deserves her privacy.  I just hope she remembers to make the right choices.

Depression, what a stigma, right?

"I felt two things immediately when I got the news last night: first that the light had dimmed and, on its heels, a sense that this was inevitable; that Robin had lived for a long time with a darkness at the periphery of his vision.  What must it have been like to be present when he improvised the genie in "Aladdin" or Lovelace in "Happy Feet?" His Texan, his gay stylist, his Soviet comedian, Mrs. Doubtfire…He was a one-man menagerie.  Perhaps, just as we were swept away, so was he.

I remember the small, uncontrollable chuckle that often accompanied his flights of fancy; as if he were as amazed as we were by what was happening to him.

Who can pretend to understand a gift like Robin Williams's? Meteoric, volcanic, fast and furious…Perhaps there is a price for such brilliance.

I'm so sad he's gone and so grateful he left us so much." ~ James Taylor

So, There you have it.  That stigma, that will probably remain with Robin Williams forever, instead of the amazing, hilarious, actor he was.  How many of you remember Mork and Mindy?  Mrs. Doubtfire?  Aladdin, my favorite role EVER!!  He WAS the genie.  Yet inside his mind things weren’t quite right, I would venture to guess that in his constant light it would’ve been too serious for him to be real about it and seek help.

More often than not people tell you that depression is stupid, or not real, or just an excuse.  They tell you that you have everything, that they love you.  But you know these things.  And you know truly that suicide is not good..it's very selfish.  A lot of people with depression walk around with this darkness hiding inside them.  You won't know who they are.  It's probably someone you know very well.  But they won't tell you.  The ones with the worst depression, fake the best.  I'm not talking about seasonal depression.  I'm talking chemical depression.

4 years ago I was diagnosed with chemical depression and severe anxiety.  I went to my doctor and just admitted it.  My doctor left the practice and referred me to a new doc.  This one said I had to be tested by a psychologist (yay?).  I did it, therefore, diagnosis: Severe depression with anxiety.  At this point I wanted out of my marriage,  I had thought about dying every waking moment.  I was done.  My psychologist continued to see me and my general practitioner gave me different meds to try.  After many different medications and several months of therapy, my therapist said, I think we are good, Are you good?  I wanted to hit him, no I wasn't done.  Made another appointment.  Kevin did what most husbands would never do.  He researched it.  I had every symptom.  The whole time and he never knew it.  It blew him away.  Now how to help?  That was much harder.  He went to the Internet, blogs, etc.  realizing he was doing the opposite of what was supposed to be done.  Then he changed.  Life changed.  Marraige and our family changed.

This was my life, get up, go to work, perfect employee, happy, clean, dressed, groomed, a good dependable functional employee, like  nothing was different.  I went home, went to my room slept until dinner, got up, ate with Kevin and Anna and went back to bed.   Every day for 6 months.  One day Anna was crying and Kevin walked upstairs to wake me up and ask if I knew that she was crying and I told him yes, he asked if I cared.  I said no.  There's the straw.

On a Wednesday at work one day, I had a "trigger" as they call it in the anxiety world, and started crying to the point of unable to stop.  I called Kevin, who at this point had read every book, taken over the household and made sure I was taking my meds.  Who was even counting them to make sure that 1. I was taking them and 2. I wasn't trying to over dose.  He blogged with other husbands, talked to many people he didn't know.  The only hope he had was that I got out of bed to go to work and I was taking my medicine.  When I called him, he said, call the doctor.  So I called the doctor to ask for something different for my anxiety, they asked if I was thinking of hurting myself, this time I was honest.  I was told to go to the ER immediately, do I need an ambulance?  Can I drive myself there?  I was in the ladies room flipping out.  This WAS NOT what I wanted.  Kevin was an hour away and couldn't meet me at the hospital.  He called my mom (needless to say this was the ONLY time, I didn't really want my mom. I only wanted Kevin).  My co-worker, whos also one of my dearest friends asked if I needed a ride and if I'd be ok.  Made me promise to text her when I got there.  I knew what was going to happen.  
I spent 4 weeks in outpatient rehab.  It doesn't go away, and the medications do stop working after awhile, and life sometimes makes it more situational.  But as long as one with depression wants to get better they will.  With the right medications, doctor and supportive family. 


Right now is not my best time of my life, but I have, the right doctor, new medications, and a supportive family.  But most importantly, I do want to get better.  Some days I let the depression win, but most days I fight as hard as I can. 

The real deal.....

Are you the real deal?  

By this I mean, Are you real?

There's been a lot of, what my pastor likes to call "crappies" lately.  As opposed to "happies".  These crappies are mostly happening to my almost 21 year old daughter, however, I can remember not so long ago when these things were happening to me.  If you have followed my blogs you know that Anna's Granpa has died.  They were tight.  The day before the funeral our house sale fell through.  All the while we are trying to figure out whether or not to proceed to move in with family as planned or stay in the house.  Losing a month of pay myself and knowing that I'd left a well paid job for a less stressful one, left us to believe that proceeding with moving in with family was the way to go.  At least showing it was easier.  Thinking Anna would be better after she went to school, we tried to keep her busy.  It was a long break for her.  She couldn't wait to leave.  This semester has thrown some major curve balls at her.  Another class to juggle, boyfriend, grief, etc.  

So before I go any further, are you the real deal?

Anna and I are a lot alike, you ask, we give.  I'd like to think we are the real deal.  We would go to your family's funeral and hold your hand.  We would let you cry for hours then eat pints of ice cream with you.  We would call you and say, what can I do?  And if we didn't know, as some people don't have the ability to be empathetic, we definitely would admit to our short comings and try to put ourselves in your shoes.  At least try to try to care, instead of running away from what is hard to deal with.  We bring you lunch, chocolate, neat things that make us think of you.  We give you things of our own because, why not, you love it more than we do.

So, are you the real deal?

Did you hold her hand at the funeral?

Did you listen to what your buddies said about another's marriage rather than keeping to yourself, or did you judge?

Did you eat a pint of ice cream with Anna while she cried?

Were you supportive?  Send a card, maybe some flowers?  Or even acknowledge ones existence.

This is definitely a very huge valley we are going through as a family.  All for different reasons.  My husbands friends no longer call him because he works new hours, he got a promotion today,  after one year.  These friends probably don't even know the name of where he works.  They think they knew about our troubles, but they were ours.  In our walls, in our home.  They dislike me, such a shame.  Like Anna I'd give you the shirt off my back.

Anna's boyfriend cheated on her, his reason, she was mean to him after Christmas break.  So lame.

I looked at her today and said that she had a lot of grown up decisions to make.  She agreed and said I know and I can't stop crying.  Keep praying Anna.  We will make it.  It's a valley of many we will go through and God is walking right beside us the whole way.  When we get to the end, He will still be there.  Never depend on people, they will always let you down, God will not.

I ask again, Are YOU THE REAL DEAL?

A New Decade

As I approach the age of 40, a lot of things come to my mind.  At 19 I had my daughter.  I went from high school to being a mom.  My daughter is now in college.  A few months ago, I changed my career/job drastically.  I went from healthcare for a period of 13 years to a simple tax secretary at a locally owned family tax preparation office.  Most days I find my self wandering around in my head where I'm supposed to be at this point in my life.  Aren't most people still raising young children?  Or in the middle of this amazing career that they spent years studying for and climbing up the corporate ladder?
Recently, losing my stepfather at the young age of 61 I wonder, what have I done with myself or for myself that shows my identity.  In high school I was (insert name here)'s boyfriend.  After that I was Anna's mom, then ..............................................blank...I am April?  Who's April?
Well, this is what I have so far:
My bucket list consists of 2 items, own a Harley, and open my own business.
What I REALLY have is faith in God.  An amazing husband, a beautiful daughter and a mother that has walked right beside every step of my life.  Even the ugly ones.
I suppose this is 'my' decade, goodness knows I wouldn't want to relive any other one.  I get one shot right?  That's the most troubling part, how do I start?  Where do I go?  What do I do?  How do I get to know myself?  And is it really and truly relevant that I know who I am, if I am to live a Godly life?  And give myself fully to Him?


On another note, I have to admit I'm slightly jealous that my first best friend/cousin is only a couple months older than me and has found himself.  He knows exactly who he is.  He has a confidence that exudes from just the way he interacts with others.  He's an amazing man.  We are approaching this milestone together, yet worlds apart.  I can only hope to find a world of my own soon.  But until then, Michael, I love you so much my heart squooshes.  I miss you and I'm so happy that I get to follow your love of who you are and embrace all of your tenderness, kindness, hospitality and even accept your own faults.  I learn more and more from you every day.  You will always be my very bestest friend.  I just am super lucky that we share the same blood.

Tuesdays.....

Never was a fan of Tuesdays.  People always asked me why....well...
Monday---its a great opportunity to have a new week, a better week, a better weekend, think of it like a new years day?  right?
Wed--You are half way there, to the weekend.  Hopefully the better week has happened.  Maybe you have something to look forward to on Wednesdays'....a club, bible study, visit with family. 
Thurs--well, we all know that Thursday is the day that big things happen.  you have to end the week with a big mark.  So you push yourself, knowing that Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, you did nothing to change a life, change your life, or make a difference.  Thursday is your chance.
Friday....IT'S FRIDAY!!!  which is great if you are a Mon-Fri worker, but all the action is on Friday and Saturday, Friends, Family, Church, naps, extra time.


What's Tuesday?  Just an extra 24 hours stuck in the front of the week, that you should have used to do something productive, but did you?  NOPE!!


Keith died on a Tuesday.  I will probably never be productive in the sense that 'productive' means, but I will always grieve his loss more on a Tuesday.

Lyrics of a lifetime

When paradise is no longer fit for you to live in
And your adolescent dreams are gone
Through the days you feel a little used up
And you don't know where your energy's gone wrong
It's just your soul feelin' a little downhearted
Sometimes life is too ridiculous to live
You count your friends all on one finger
I know it sounds crazy just the way that we live

Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'

When this cardboard town can no longer amuse you
You see through everything and nothin' seems worthwhile
And hypocrite used to be such a big word to you
And it don't seem to mean anything to you now
Just try to live each and every precious moment
Don't be discouraged by the future forget the past
That's old advise but it'll be good to you
I know there's a balance see it when I swing past

Between a laugh and a tear
Smile in the mirror as you walk by
Between a laugh and a tear
And that's as good as it can get for us
And there ain't no reason to stop tryin'
"Between a Laugh and a Tear"--John Mellencamp

This song best describes every moment in our lives at one time or another.  Now I'm not the biggest Mellencamp fan, that would be my husband's influence.  However, Mr. Mellencamp does have some great lyrics, about life.  Personally, I'm a Dave Matthews kinda girl, but there's just too many songs that I love.  But not a ton of lyrics that speak about life, maybe me personally.  But not LIFE.

I was introduced to music by my stepdad, Keith.  Buffalo Springfield "For What It's Worth" was the first song he made me listen to.  Then explained what it was about and said, 'I want this played at my funeral.'  We did.  Then there was some Dan Fogelberg, Cat Stevens (meh), James Taylor.  The list goes on and on.  My husband really got me into music, but mostly now it is about the lyrics.  Do the words mean anything?  Or is it just a little "Mr. Brownstone"-GNR? 

Kevin (my husband) taught me that the worst looking musicians are the best writers.  Look at Steve Earle?  Love his lyrics, not a fan of the music, but I love what he writes about.  Bruce Springstein?  I'd love to ask him about some of his songs.  How about The Who?  U-G-L-Y...but, Kevin says they are awesome, I could do without.  Do you like a little U2?  Did you know a lot of their songs have some type of Christian reference? (Where the streets have no name?).  By the way, he also thinks that Prince is the most underrated guitar player EVER!!!!

Everyone has a song, a lyric and usually those change as life goes on, but since the first day my husband played his guitar and sang Between a Laugh and a Tear, it fits every second of my life.

Choices vs. Consequences--Part 1

I'm going to share a story with you.

There was this girl, and on her 21st birthday all her friends took her camping.  This will be so much fun everyone said.  Her boyfriend said we can get some liquor and a couple joints, get high around the fire.  Okay, this really wasn't much different than most nights except they went camping.
Here's the scene:  3 couples, all early 20's.  One says to the girl, "I got you something special for your birthday."  She asks what.  Cocaine he says, 'you're gonna love it!"  She said, "not interested really, not my thing."
"Have you ever tried it?"
"No"
"How do you know?"
"Just not interested, can't we just smoke a joint?"
"Sure after we do this line."
Then everyone else is chiming in:
"you'll love it."  "it's great."
"You can't get addicted with one line!"
"come on, come on"
"Chicken!!-It's your birthday."
Peer pressure won, she liked it.  It was a good time.  It was a HER choice to give in to the peer pressure.  A CHOICE.

Fast forward 20 years later:  She's clean, has a good kid, great life, good job, husband, etc.  But needs a quick $400 for her hobby.  Her daughter says, "Come on, come with me we will donate plasma together!!!  It's safe and you'll have your money in 5 weeks.  And its for a good cause"
"Hmmmmm...never thought of that.  Definitely easier than getting another job.  Ok, she said."

At the plasma center it's not like you just walk in and donate blood, it's much, much more intricate.  You have to watch videos, answer a bunch of questions, go through a short physical, make sure your heart rate is good, protein and iron are all good numbers.
During the question session, you are asked a series of questions similar to donating, however, one question stopped her "Have you ever snorted cocaine up your nose?" 
This is the scenario in her head (20 yrs ago? who's gonna know?  does it matter?  do I care?)  Then came the judgement-(look at all these people here...just to get a fix, why should she answer yes?)
The CHOICE was hers.  She answered Yes.  A CHOICE!
Get through the heart rate, blood pressure check, daughter cheering her on, go in for the physical and the nurse says....'oh no, honey, I'm so sorry.  We've all done it.' 
She quietly asks "it's because I answered yes to the cocaine question, isn't it?'
Nurse, "Yes, but it's ok, we really have all tried it, it's ok.  I can see that you are cleaned up, I know your daughter.  It happens, peer pressure.--But I'm sorry you cannot donate."

There I sit, in my work clothes that represent where I work, my 19 year old daughter in line behind the door waiting, cheering me on.  Excited that I'm going to get a new sewing machine.  And I'm crying like a 2 year old, ashamed by my choices, but understanding the consequences.
Leaving quickly, so as to not be seen, my daughter asks what is wrong and I just say that we will talk when she gets home.  I love you Anna.   Love you too Mom.  It'll be ok.

No matter what, there's always a choice, and for every choice somewhere down that line there will be a consequence.

Think about the next thing you do, and decide how the CHOICE might effect YOUR CONSEQUENCES later in life.